Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Word vomit

There is so much I am thinking. I am so caught up in the process and formulation and organization that I struggle to express it, but I need to try. I can feel something is happening, though I know it is not any one thing, rather a combination of many little and not unexpected things. But there is something else going on- I feel it in the base of my body, the back of my head and the fidgety tips of my fingers. I want to try to tell someone, to write it down and say it so that I don't have to work so hard to figure it out and hold onto it in my head. So many little pieces that I want to identify, but I stop just before putting them in their neat little box and ask why it is that and why I want to know in the first place. I am questioning everything- motives, definitions, perspectives, beliefs, ideas.

If you could have one thing that you wanted most right now, what would it be? To be content with what I have/who I am. Satisfaction. Fulfillment But would that mean I have no ambition? No desire to grow and learn? Perhaps what I want most is balance- the ability to be satisfied with the present and to grow and change as well.

I can tell that I want to take action. To learn and to practice- to try, experiment and grow. The process paralyzes me. How do I know which thing to pursue? And what is the best way to pursue it, and how do I prepare for that? Why does it have to be the best way. I am walking around the pool debating the entrances, stretching, changing suits, laying out my towel, picking it up and moving it to a more strategic location. Reading about how to swim, how to dry off, asking everyone who knows most about it, what they do and why. Really when it comes down to it, I just want to get in the pool. Why do I not trust that everything will work itself out?

This sounds like a struggle with powerlessness to me. I am trying to control how my experiences will be. I want to learn so that I do not appear stupid - insecurity. I want to know so I stand out as knowledgeable - pride. I want to do so that I can learn and experience. I want to be prepared so that I do not fail - fear. I want to expand, be more, consume (healthy - knowledge, hobbies and crafts, meditation and unhealthy - sugar, quick finger foods, mind-numbing activities like games). I am hungry and eager and anxious. I want to do - I don't know what - but it is urgent! But I don't want to do unless it is that one thing I want to do most, and how do I find that!? Why is it so important to do right? What is this fear and insecurity- where is my faith?

I want to learn at a safe distance- I want to listen to a recording so that there is no dialogue for me to engage in, no criticism at my ignorance. I want to listen passively and protected. The more I investigate things to listen to and learn about and read about, the more they seem to remind me that the best way to learn them is through practice- action. When I move toward action I overwhelm myself into paralysis. I am spinning in circles in my head, exhausted, exhilarated, confused, eager. I am angry with myself for not enjoying the present. I struggle to be still, be quiet, be here and now. I make lists or think about lists I need to make. I gather information digitally and from afar- I keep it in a semi-organized fashion with the intention of going back and actually spending some time taking from it what I want - inspiration.

I horde and gather and collect. I find new things that I want to horde and gather and collect. I chastise myself for collecting too much without using it. I yearn for simplicity, surrender, freedom, peace of mind. I want to lay in the grass and just let my thoughts flow. I don't want to have to move all the time and think all the time and do all the time. I don't want to go anywhere because I cling so tightly to my precious free time. Then in my free time I scramble for what I think I am supposed to be doing- rushed and pressured. Quick- there are movies that HAVE to be watched!! I must play this game so that I can finish more quests!! I must make food before the last food I made is eaten! I must make the bed and do the things that get undone daily! It feels like a hamster wheel, but I know it is of my own making, and that is even MORE frustrating!

I am not too lost in the negativity of all this- there is too much happy excitement about my open mindedness, new interests, and opportunities and possibilities. But the frustration and anxiety are evident in my body - tight and weakened, mind - loud and congested, and spirit - clouded and flickering. I am somewhere between a crisis and an awakening, panic and peace. Isn't that where I am supposed to be? And how do I know where I am supposed to be? And why does it even matter!? Who can answer all of my questions! Have I resolved my pending issues? Do I owe amends? What is waiting for me to do? How soon can I finish it! What is most important to do first and WHY?

PMS and gratefulness flutter in and out. Security and stability and fear about not having enough savings. Desire to improve and desire to be still. Yoga and meetings, spiritual readings interspersed with nail biting and eating when I am not hungry. I fight a grand and epic battle with myself in my own head- I have all the answers, or not, but only I can make the choices, and my choices have consequences. I want to get away from all the feelings without a care for the future implications. I want to stop and consider all future implications and get through desire for instant gratification. I am a walking paradox, muddled, ecstatic, snarky, couch potato. I do not feel contained- I am spilling out over the edges! I feel unmanageable, unmanaged! Is that ok? Do I trust that this too shall pass? Am I forgetting something!? Is it ok to just go with the flow, move forward? That is what I am doing ultimately, though I plague myself with this mindfuck (can't find a better term). Though I am riding these emotions and questions and dis-ease and growing pains, I still am moving forward. I am living life on life's terms, taking what comes my direction. Am I reliable? Am I doing what is right? Am I being a good friend? Who am I ignoring, what am I putting off? How can I fix it all, pull it all back in to a neat manageable package? Should it be in a package? Is the package just a deception of control? Isn't it always overflowing? Is it foolish to allow myself to be comforted by it? Do I simply focus on trust and here and now. One day at a time- what do I need to do right now. In this minute. In this 5 minutes. Breathe. Focus on the in ... and the out ... Be here, be now, be ok.

Let go. Let the questions go. Let the answers go. Stop worrying. If I want, consider the motive, run it by people - is it spiritual? Yes? Go for it. Don't worry about prep. Don't worry about what book is the best to teach me the basics so that I can get the starter kit. Just jump in. Probably will be failure, but what better way to learn- don't I tend to learn that way anyway!? Trust that I will be watched and carried. Follow through with nurturing the relationships that support me. Take an inventory daily to check in- what did I do today that I feel good about? What did I do that I do not feel good about? Do the things that thus far I know keep me going in generally the right direction (or at least help me not go the very wrong direction I have spent so much time walking).

So here I am. My hands are a little cold. This tea has cream instead of milk. It is good and warm, but  prefer milk. I have so many many blessings, and I am thankful. I am stimulated and challenged here at work. I take advantage of the time they give me to work at home and multitask. I cruise internet sites and research and read and do things other than work. I want to not do my employer wrong this way. I want to be human and reasonable and take breaks but stay focused. I want to be productive. I need to speak up if I have time I don't know how to fill, or take the time to figure out what best to fill it with.

I am so grateful for the spring and the sunshine. I am so happy for my morning snuggles with my boys. I am so grateful to work surrounded by plants and earth and kindness. I am so blessed to have yoga to help me clam my mind and body and spirit, align them, go slow, be still, be thankful. I am so glad for love in my life. I am so happy for health and ambition. I pray for surrender, powerlessness. Let me continue to be me, to go forward, to be still, to make mistakes, to learn, to practice, to act and to do nothing. I send out love and health to all. I open my mind to those I judge. I acknowledge my defects of character and become aware of them. I seek to live by spiritual principles in my daily life.

I wear my barefoot shoes which remind me what the ground feels like and how hard I stomp when I walk. I roll my neck and remember how important it is to move and stretch. I go to bed at a good time and enjoy waking easily feeling rested. I do what I need that is inconvenient even if I don't want it at the moment, and I benefit from it. I take suggestion and encouragement from those around me that love and guide me.

I head off to a work meeting feeling lighter with a hint of a smile.

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